Wednesday, July 25, 2012

# love # saying goodbye

Story Time: Letter to a Lost Love

Sometimes, when I'm driving, I pass this tree. I call it the shoe tree because over the years, people have tied their shoes together and tossed them up into it. They say that people do that to signify the end of one thing and the beginning of another. For me, it was the beginning of us. It is the precise place that I was the first time that you texted me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I glanced down at my phone, surprised to see your name there. You had never texted or called me, even though we had exchanged numbers. I wanted to text you back, to answer the very serious question that you had asked me but there just wasn't any way to do it while driving. I suggested that you call, but you never did. Yet somehow, it was still the start of us.

I will never forget sitting in a hotel lobby, your texts keeping me company as we joked about how quickly we had climbed from zero to over a thousand and counting. You said we would do something to celebrate it as soon as we were together. It was such a silly thing to celebrate but silly was so much a part of us, that it just seemed right.

We never did celebrate that achievement. Instead, us meeting took us to entirely different levels. It was amazing and somehow, it just felt right. I've never experienced anything like it before. The truth is, I've never experienced anything like us before. I've never had that sense of intimacy and belonging with anyone. I've never had that feeling of total acceptance, love and joy. We had that together and it was the most glorious thing I have ever experienced.

I will never forget that feeling. Even though I know that I will never experience it again, I will never forget it. I will hold it in my heart, even when it threatens to tear me apart. Experiences like that change a person's life and you changed mine. Sometimes, when I think back on what we had together, it's like my heart is being torn apart. No, not torn apart. It's like the memory has exploded into shards of metal that are forcing their way from the inside out. Yet still, I will never let go of how we were together and how you made me feel.

With you, I always felt beautiful. You showed me joy. You showed me what it was like to totally relax and "just be" with someone. We were silly and we were serious.  We would talk for entire days and it feel like mere minutes had passed. I was your smile and you were my strength. Together, we were an incredible team. People said we lit up the room when we were together. We made others smile with our love and infectious laughter.

Then suddenly, everything changed. The phone calls stopped. The affection stopped. You suddenly shut me out of your life. Suddenly, I went from being your best friend, lover and confidant to being nobody. I've spent weeks, nearly months now trying to figure out what I did wrong. I've spent so many hours crying that perhaps it's gone into days now.

Sometimes late at night, I dream of you. When I close my eyes, I pray that I won't but always, there you are. You're just as you were when we first met. My hand still fits perfectly in yours and your voice still whispers the words that helped me to fall in love with you. My knowing mind rebels, trying to force me from my sleep but you hold me there. I'm bound by what we once were, forced to live out the dreams of what we could have been.

I wonder if you ever dream of me or if I'm not even worthy of the memory of what we were.  Sometimes I wish that I could forget. I sit and wonder what my life would be like now if we had never met; if you had never sent that text. Would I be a stronger person? Of course, there's no way of knowing.  Deep down, I know that I would never wipe away those memories if given the option. You showed me what it was like to live again. You showed me that real love can exist. 

I should go though. I know that while you've promised in the past to always read what I write, this letter is best meant for the trash can. For you to read it would be me opening myself up to even more pain. I don't know why you don't love me anymore, but reliving it with this letter won't help. The truth is, I don't think that I will ever fully heal from this. Someday, I will hear that you've found someone new and that you're in love. When that day comes, I know that my heart, no matter how healed will shatter into a million pieces. Until then, it will have a hole where your love used to live.

My love...the love that I have lost, I have but one wish for you. It is not for pain or even that someday you look back and see what so many others saw when they saw us. It is just for love. I hope that someday you love yourself enough to see how amazing you really can be. I hope that you find someone who loves you as much as I did and as much as I always will. You have great capacity for love and I hope that someday you use it for good and not as something to dangle in front of others and then snatch back when you realize you're becoming emotionally invested.

For now though, I leave you to live your life. There is no longer an us. We are again two lonely, heart hurting individuals who must now journey through life apart.  For me, though, I realize that I no longer wish to carry on alone. So, this is my goodbye. This is my final letter, my final song. Tonight, when the stars are out, I will do what I once told you that I longed to do. I will join the stars. I know I said someday my heart will shatter, but I realize now that it already has and I cannot put it back together. 

You asked me not so long ago if I thought we could be close again. The truth is no. For that to happen, you would have to want it. Your actions scream that you don't. You've moved on and forgotten me and forgotten us. I am a nobody to you and so tonight, I will join the stars in their nightly vigil. I will fly high into the sky and watch over you until someone else comes along who can take care of you and love you. When that day comes, I will fall from the sky and be gone forever.

So, goodbye my love. Goodbye, the one person who I gave my everything to. You will never understand just how special that was. You were the one and only person in my entire life that I opened all the way up for and who I gave all of myself to. Tonight, I take back what I can. I take back my life the only way I know how.

Goodbye my lover, my best friend, my everything...and remember..tonight, when you glance up at the stars, remember that there is a new one there and maybe think of me.
Yours in life and in spirit.

*This has been cross posted to Straight Sex Talk. Please note that it is an adult site, not meant for children or those who can't handle that topic.

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