Sometimes, when I'm driving, I pass this tree. I call it the
shoe tree because over the years, people have tied their shoes together and
tossed them up into it. They say that people do that to signify the end of one
thing and the beginning of another. For me, it was the beginning of us. It is
the precise place that I was the first time that you texted me. I remember it
like it was yesterday. I glanced down at my phone, surprised to see your name
there. You had never texted or called me, even though we had exchanged numbers.
I wanted to text you back, to answer the very serious question that you had
asked me but there just wasn't any way to do it while driving. I suggested that
you call, but you never did. Yet somehow, it was still the start of us.
I will never forget sitting in a hotel lobby, your texts
keeping me company as we joked about how quickly we had climbed from zero to
over a thousand and counting. You said we would do something to celebrate it as
soon as we were together. It was such a silly thing to celebrate but silly was
so much a part of us, that it just seemed right.
We never did celebrate that achievement. Instead, us meeting
took us to entirely different levels. It was amazing and somehow, it just felt
right. I've never experienced anything like it before. The truth is, I've never
experienced anything like us before. I've never had that sense of intimacy and
belonging with anyone. I've never had that feeling of total acceptance, love
and joy. We had that together and it was the most glorious thing I have ever
experienced.
I will never forget that feeling. Even though I know that I
will never experience it again, I will never forget it. I will hold it in my
heart, even when it threatens to tear me apart. Experiences like that change a
person's life and you changed mine. Sometimes, when I think back on what we had
together, it's like my heart is being torn apart. No, not torn apart. It's like
the memory has exploded into shards of metal that are forcing their way from
the inside out. Yet still, I will never let go of how we were together and how
you made me feel.
With you, I always felt beautiful. You showed me joy. You
showed me what it was like to totally relax and "just be" with
someone. We were silly and we were serious.
We would talk for entire days and it feel like mere minutes had passed. I
was your smile and you were my strength. Together, we were an incredible team.
People said we lit up the room when we were together. We made others smile with
our love and infectious laughter.
Then suddenly, everything changed. The phone calls stopped.
The affection stopped. You suddenly shut me out of your life. Suddenly, I went
from being your best friend, lover and confidant to being nobody. I've spent
weeks, nearly months now trying to figure out what I did wrong. I've spent so
many hours crying that perhaps it's gone into days now.
Sometimes late at night, I dream of you. When I close my
eyes, I pray that I won't but always, there you are. You're just as you were
when we first met. My hand still fits perfectly in yours and your voice still
whispers the words that helped me to fall in love with you. My knowing mind
rebels, trying to force me from my sleep but you hold me there. I'm bound by
what we once were, forced to live out the dreams of what we could have been.
I wonder if you ever dream of me or if I'm not even worthy
of the memory of what we were. Sometimes
I wish that I could forget. I sit and wonder what my life would be like now if
we had never met; if you had never sent that text. Would I be a stronger
person? Of course, there's no way of knowing.
Deep down, I know that I would never wipe away those memories if given
the option. You showed me what it was like to live again. You showed me that
real love can exist.
I should go though. I know that while you've promised in the
past to always read what I write, this letter is best meant for the trash can.
For you to read it would be me opening myself up to even more pain. I don't
know why you don't love me anymore, but reliving it with this letter won't
help. The truth is, I don't think that I will ever fully heal from this.
Someday, I will hear that you've found someone new and that you're in love.
When that day comes, I know that my heart, no matter how healed will shatter
into a million pieces. Until then, it will have a hole where your love used to
live.
My love...the love that I have lost, I have but one wish for
you. It is not for pain or even that someday you look back and see what so many
others saw when they saw us. It is just for love. I hope that someday you love
yourself enough to see how amazing you really can be. I hope that you find
someone who loves you as much as I did and as much as I always will. You have
great capacity for love and I hope that someday you use it for good and not as
something to dangle in front of others and then snatch back when you realize
you're becoming emotionally invested.
For now though, I leave you to live your life. There is no
longer an us. We are again two lonely, heart hurting individuals who must now
journey through life apart. For me,
though, I realize that I no longer wish to carry on alone. So, this is my goodbye.
This is my final letter, my final song. Tonight, when the stars are out, I will
do what I once told you that I longed to do. I will join the stars. I know I
said someday my heart will shatter, but I realize now that it already has and I
cannot put it back together.
You asked me not so long ago if I thought we could
be close again. The truth is no. For that to happen, you would have to want it.
Your actions scream that you don't. You've moved on and forgotten me and
forgotten us. I am a nobody to you and so tonight, I will join the stars in
their nightly vigil. I will fly high into the sky and watch over you until
someone else comes along who can take care of you and love you. When that day
comes, I will fall from the sky and be gone forever.
So, goodbye my love. Goodbye, the one person who I gave my
everything to. You will never understand just how special that was. You were
the one and only person in my entire life that I opened all the way up for and
who I gave all of myself to. Tonight, I take back what I can. I take back my
life the only way I know how.
Goodbye my lover, my best friend, my everything...and
remember..tonight, when you glance up at the stars, remember that there is a
new one there and maybe think of me.
Yours in life and in spirit.
K*This has been cross posted to Straight Sex Talk. Please note that it is an adult site, not meant for children or those who can't handle that topic.
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