Isn't that a dramatic title? I wonder if it's a song title. Shoot. Y'all know me. I have to go check to see if it is. Be right back....

Ok, I'm back. It turns out that it's not. The closest I came was Love on My Mind which is actually a pretty good song. In fact, just in case you wanted to hear it, I'm going to put it right here for you to check out. Aren't I lovely?



So, what's up with love being in my head? Well, there's this potential new guy for one thing. He read yesterday's post and simply responded asking who this person was. The tease never responded back after that. He's left us all hanging. 
There's also my boys. I have to tell them after school today that our dog has died. Kiara was my dog when I was married to Peter. He texted me last night to tell me that she had died. My guess is that her poor heart gave out. It kills me to know that I'm going to walk through that door this afternoon and she's not going to be there to love all over me. I hate knowing that they're going to be hurting. Kiara was a big part of our family. She's going to be desperately missed.
Then, there's the love of friends. I'm hoping that the Toledo gang will come to see me as not just that girl who drops in from time to time but as a friend. I really like all of them. My fear of being hurt (and probably other things) has always gotten in the way of me making friends but this is vulnerable me saying Toledo people, please like me, ok? I already like them. They're great people and I whine every time I drive home about how I wish I could be down there more to see and hang out with everyone.
The love of family also comes to mind. Mine has been going through a crisis over the past week with my grandma being so sick. She should be out of the hospital today and that's such a relief. None of us are ready to lose her. She's the glue that holds us all together. I need to get back over there soon to see her. 
Mostly, today I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the family who loves me. I'm thankful for the gang in Toledo for taking me in as one of their own when I needed it. I'm thankful for Justin who has kept me sane during a really rough period. I'm thankful for Jim who totally understood when I no-showed on Sunday night and who has checked in to see how things are. I'm thankful for my boys because the first thing they asked me yesterday was how is mawmaw. They're such great kids. I'm thankful for my other friends who lended me their ears and virtual arms when I needed a hug. I'm thankful for James who gave me not only his couch, but his ears and his arms and his odd sense of humor. I'm a lucky girl.



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This probably seems like the oddest picture ever for a post titled Spring Renewal, but I think this phrase a hundred times a day. Today, it's one that's firmly in my head and the reason that I'm here writing.

Spring is officially here, I think. It's mid-May, so I would hope so but the weather has been so odd this year that it's hard to tell. With Spring comes change. I'm seeing it all around me. The flowers are starting to bloom. So many of my friends are making their plans to go back to school in the Fall. Some are moving. Others are planning their weddings.

I am honestly happy for all of them. Yet, at the same time, it's hard for me. I feel stagnant. I envy them. The reality is that I can't go back to school right now. I applied, yes, but the way things are right now, I can't handle a Master's program. I'm disappointed but sometimes life just gets in the way of things. I'm adjusting to that idea.

Ok, do you all really want to know the real problem in my head right now? It's a man. Isn't it always a man? I know. I know. My Twitter hubby is nodding. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking it's such a female thing for me to say. It's true though. There are those of you who read here who know I've had guy trouble over the past few months. It sucked but I've come to a few realizations and stood up for myself and those guys are history. They're gone. Ok, they're not gone. I talk to them once a week. Heck, I saw one of them this past Sunday night when I got together with some friends. It wasn't planned that way. It just was.

Now, there's this guy. He's nice. He's funny. He's as juvenile as can be sometimes but I really like him. Oh not in the happily ever after sense. It's far too early to feel anything like that. I just like him. Dang, now I want to say I like like him...like I'm 12 or something. I actually saw him this past weekend and I think he likes me too. Does he like like me? I think it might be possible.

So what's the drama? I can hear all of you asking it or maybe those are just the voices inside my head. I'm going to believe it's all of you because otherwise it means I'm insane. The drama is that we live about 2.5 hours apart, he's still getting over someone and well, life is transitioning for him. Still don't see the problem? No, neither do I. So, why am I writing this? I honestly don't know. I just needed to write.

Perhaps I needed to put it in black and white (or I think this goes to white on brown. I've had this blog for years and I'm still not sure. Geez!) that I like this guy. I had mentally shot him down when he first hit on me because one of the guy problems I was having was with one of his close friends. I needed to move past that so I could see this guy just for him.

Well, I guess that solves that problem. Yes, I really do like this guy. Yes, I really want to spend a lot more time with him. Yes, it sucks entirely that I live this far away and so me going down there always has to be all drama. Did I mention that I want to spend some more time with him? Yes. Is there much more I can say on this subject? No, so I guess this is the end of this.





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I want to thank everyone who read and commented, though privately, on yesterday's post. I also want to encourage folks to comment here. Don't be afraid. This is a safe zone.

Yesterday, I mentioned the possibility of an upcoming post on being good enough. I've run into this a lot in my life. It started with my very parents. For those that don't know, they dropped me (and my sister) off with my grandparents and from that point on, they had minimal roles in our lives. I spent a lot of years trying to be good enough for them.

Then, one day, I realized I will never be good enough for them. My mother will probably always shriek at me that she wishes I'd never been born and that I ruined her life. My father will probably always be absentee at best. It took me a lot longer to realize that it wasn't my fault. I had done nothing to them other than being born and now you can't blame a baby for coming into the world. It took the parents doing something to make that happen.

In some ways, growing up like this helped to shape me into the people pleaser that I am today. Ask those closest to me and they'd tell you (or I hope they would cuz otherwise I'm about to lie to y'all.) that it's the little things that make me happy. I love to buy or make little things for people just to see them smile. I'm a helper. If someone needs something, it doesn't surprise me when I'm the one who gets that phone call. It's part of who I am to want to make other people happy.

Recently, I went through another round of I'm never going to be good enough for this person and that brought out a whole new reality to me. I don't have to be. I only have to be good enough for me. If there is something about me that this other person doesn't like, barring that it's a serious character flaw, that's not my problem. The only person I have to make happy is me. There are those in my life who accept me just for being who I am.

Yes, I'm goofy. I'm weird. I am a total geek, though some recently doubted my geek cred. (Yes, I'm looking at you, James.) I'm pretty. I can be funny. I can be silly. I can also be serious, quiet and shy. I can talk to total strangers about anything but there are few who I count as my closest friends. People see me as outgoing and rarely see the sometimes scared little girl behind the facade. I'm a people watcher. I'm a people lover. I am a lot of things and perhaps the best thing..I am open. If there are people who cannot accept me for just being all of those things (and more) then that's not my fault. Sometimes people just don't click.

And sometimes..just sometimes...there's a flaw within themselves that doesn't allow them to be open and accepting. That's something they need to work on. I'm not just the girl that most people see when they look at me. I'm not shallow. I have some serious depth. For those who don't want to dive below the surface, that's their loss. For those that do, I promise that it's worth the trouble and I can't wait for the adventure to start. No rolling a 1 with me, I may not be a natural 20 but with bonuses, I'm at least a 17. (Wow, how's that for getting more geek cred..lol)

For those of you out there who still feel not good enough, ask yourself who you're not good enough for. Unless it's yourself, let it go and if you have to, let the person go. It's not easy but it's a journey that's well worth taking.



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Yes, yes and yes. This says so much in one tiny little image. Too often I second guess myself and think that maybe what I felt wasn't true. It was though. What happened was real and it was true. I felt it and I saw it. Just because it scares someone and they try to pretend it didn't happen doesn't mean it wasn't real or true.

I'm sure that most of the people reading this have no idea what I'm talking about and that's ok. This post isn't for them, it's for me. Most of the time I stop and think about whether or not my readers are going to want to read something but today, this is just me, writing whatever comes into my head. It could be bad. It could be good. It could be utterly insane.

As some know, I had my heart broken a couple of months ago. For the first time in years, I opened myself up to someone and for a very short period, was incredibly happy. Then, he changed his mind and all of the confidence I had in myself tanked. Like dropped to the ground, got ran over by a semi and tossed into the trash tanked. I was that scared girl again. The one who was sure nobody really wanted to be with her.

Then something happened. I "ran into" an old friend. Someone that for really no good reason, I had lost touch with a couple of years ago. There was a time when this man was one of my closest friends. I can't even tell you what happened because there isn't a logical explanation. Maybe it was just the fact that after so much time had passed, he said he wanted to be friends still.  Maybe that reminded me that one of the "cool kids" (he hates when I say that but he'll never read this..he's umm..too cool to read my blog) liked me and that must make me a pretty special person too. I really don't know what it was but it woke up something inside of me. I suddenly remembered that I wasn't that girl anymore.

Yes, she's still in there and she probably always will be. She's gone through too much in life to just vanish totally. She's not the "main me" though now. I'm stronger than that. I can say things like any man would be lucky to be with me because I treat my men damn good and I'm a pretty great person. I'm not the prettiest or the smartest or the funniest but I have good doses of all three of those things.

So, to the guy who decided he couldn't be with me, I'm sorry because you lost out on incredible. To Zac who possibly reminded me of all these things, welcome back to my life and please feel free to stay. I've missed the friendship that we had more than words can say. To the rest of you, thank you for reading here, for being my friends and for sticking around even when I've not been here. I won't promise to be here more but believe me when I say that I sure would like to be.



(Possible upcoming post: There comes a point when you have to realize you'll never be good enough for some people. The question is...is that your problem or theirs?)
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Hi all! It's been ages since I've posted here and I can only explain it by telling you that I've been swamped! I'm going into town 5 days a week plus for the past two weeks, I've been helping out with the elementary school swim program. On Tuesdays, I'm in the pool from about 9:50am-3pm. I love it! I so wish we had a pool closer to me so I could be swimming a few days a week.

Luckily, life will be settling down some soon. School will be out in just a few weeks and that will end my driving into town 5 days a week. It's also going to give me the chance to dive more fully into the house and really putting our mark on it. The boys don't know it yet, but we're going to surprise them by taking their sunshiney yellow bedroom and repainting it into a color that they both want.

It's also going to allow me to spend more time working on writing here. I'm going to work on bringing back the Tuesday organizational challenges. If things go well, I'll also be bringing back Save the Planet Saturday. For now though, I'm going to introduce you to a fantastic product that we're "enjoying" here. I put that in quotes because while I like doing laundry, not everyone does.

This is Purex Complete with Zout. Zout is a triple enzyme stain fighter. Recently, the lovely folks at Purex sent me a bottle of their free & clear formula to try out and so far, we are loving it! It works just as well and maybe better than any other laundry detergent that I've tried out. I love that they offer this in a scented and non-scented version. Personally, I don't like perfumey smelling laundry soaps (plus they often set off my allergies), so the free & clear version is perfect for our family.

I know you're wondering when I'm going to get to the giveaway...right now! I have a coupon here for one of you to try out this fantastic product for yourself!

How to enter:

1. Leave me a comment telling me your least favorite household chore and why you don't love it.
2. Tweet about this giveaway. Make sure that you leave a link to your tweet in your comment.

Quick  Edit: No more than 5 tweets per person, please.

That's it! I'll draw a winner for this on Friday, May 13th. Yep, Friday the 13th will be a lucky day for someone!




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