Wednesday, May 11, 2011

# change # friendship

When Did I Become That Girl?

Yes, yes and yes. This says so much in one tiny little image. Too often I second guess myself and think that maybe what I felt wasn't true. It was though. What happened was real and it was true. I felt it and I saw it. Just because it scares someone and they try to pretend it didn't happen doesn't mean it wasn't real or true.

I'm sure that most of the people reading this have no idea what I'm talking about and that's ok. This post isn't for them, it's for me. Most of the time I stop and think about whether or not my readers are going to want to read something but today, this is just me, writing whatever comes into my head. It could be bad. It could be good. It could be utterly insane.

As some know, I had my heart broken a couple of months ago. For the first time in years, I opened myself up to someone and for a very short period, was incredibly happy. Then, he changed his mind and all of the confidence I had in myself tanked. Like dropped to the ground, got ran over by a semi and tossed into the trash tanked. I was that scared girl again. The one who was sure nobody really wanted to be with her.

Then something happened. I "ran into" an old friend. Someone that for really no good reason, I had lost touch with a couple of years ago. There was a time when this man was one of my closest friends. I can't even tell you what happened because there isn't a logical explanation. Maybe it was just the fact that after so much time had passed, he said he wanted to be friends still.  Maybe that reminded me that one of the "cool kids" (he hates when I say that but he'll never read this..he's umm..too cool to read my blog) liked me and that must make me a pretty special person too. I really don't know what it was but it woke up something inside of me. I suddenly remembered that I wasn't that girl anymore.

Yes, she's still in there and she probably always will be. She's gone through too much in life to just vanish totally. She's not the "main me" though now. I'm stronger than that. I can say things like any man would be lucky to be with me because I treat my men damn good and I'm a pretty great person. I'm not the prettiest or the smartest or the funniest but I have good doses of all three of those things.

So, to the guy who decided he couldn't be with me, I'm sorry because you lost out on incredible. To Zac who possibly reminded me of all these things, welcome back to my life and please feel free to stay. I've missed the friendship that we had more than words can say. To the rest of you, thank you for reading here, for being my friends and for sticking around even when I've not been here. I won't promise to be here more but believe me when I say that I sure would like to be.


(Possible upcoming post: There comes a point when you have to realize you'll never be good enough for some people. The question that your problem or theirs?)
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