Thursday, May 12, 2011

# good enough # life

Never Enough

I want to thank everyone who read and commented, though privately, on yesterday's post. I also want to encourage folks to comment here. Don't be afraid. This is a safe zone.

Yesterday, I mentioned the possibility of an upcoming post on being good enough. I've run into this a lot in my life. It started with my very parents. For those that don't know, they dropped me (and my sister) off with my grandparents and from that point on, they had minimal roles in our lives. I spent a lot of years trying to be good enough for them.

Then, one day, I realized I will never be good enough for them. My mother will probably always shriek at me that she wishes I'd never been born and that I ruined her life. My father will probably always be absentee at best. It took me a lot longer to realize that it wasn't my fault. I had done nothing to them other than being born and now you can't blame a baby for coming into the world. It took the parents doing something to make that happen.

In some ways, growing up like this helped to shape me into the people pleaser that I am today. Ask those closest to me and they'd tell you (or I hope they would cuz otherwise I'm about to lie to y'all.) that it's the little things that make me happy. I love to buy or make little things for people just to see them smile. I'm a helper. If someone needs something, it doesn't surprise me when I'm the one who gets that phone call. It's part of who I am to want to make other people happy.

Recently, I went through another round of I'm never going to be good enough for this person and that brought out a whole new reality to me. I don't have to be. I only have to be good enough for me. If there is something about me that this other person doesn't like, barring that it's a serious character flaw, that's not my problem. The only person I have to make happy is me. There are those in my life who accept me just for being who I am.

Yes, I'm goofy. I'm weird. I am a total geek, though some recently doubted my geek cred. (Yes, I'm looking at you, James.) I'm pretty. I can be funny. I can be silly. I can also be serious, quiet and shy. I can talk to total strangers about anything but there are few who I count as my closest friends. People see me as outgoing and rarely see the sometimes scared little girl behind the facade. I'm a people watcher. I'm a people lover. I am a lot of things and perhaps the best thing..I am open. If there are people who cannot accept me for just being all of those things (and more) then that's not my fault. Sometimes people just don't click.

And sometimes..just sometimes...there's a flaw within themselves that doesn't allow them to be open and accepting. That's something they need to work on. I'm not just the girl that most people see when they look at me. I'm not shallow. I have some serious depth. For those who don't want to dive below the surface, that's their loss. For those that do, I promise that it's worth the trouble and I can't wait for the adventure to start. No rolling a 1 with me, I may not be a natural 20 but with bonuses, I'm at least a 17. (Wow, how's that for getting more geek

For those of you out there who still feel not good enough, ask yourself who you're not good enough for. Unless it's yourself, let it go and if you have to, let the person go. It's not easy but it's a journey that's well worth taking.


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Crystal said...

*raises her hands in the air* Preach it sister! I am being silly, but truthfully, to me, this is just as important as religious faith is to most people. I wish I knew how to teach this, how to give someone the actual self realization because no matter how many times I've said the words, most friends I know hear it, and think that it's nice for me but it's just impossible for them to believe such wild ideas that they are indeed just fine. All they can ever remember is their own version of my story and how they were crushed by it instead of realizing someone else being an asshole doesn't make them correct about anything.

My story is this: I was still in junior high, a boy that liked to pick on me, and call me fat and ugly knew I was changing for our choir concert in the girls bathroom, and so he opened the door suddenly and held it open so that everyone standing just outside the classroom would see me.

I don't remember feeling embarrassed about everyone seeing me in my underwear and bra. I don't recall if anyone laughed. I don't recall if I even made any motion to close the door. Or even if a teacher became involved with it. I just remember that afterward if someone did call me fat and ugly, I filtered it, I was done, I did not care one bit what he and other 'popular kids' thought. I had real, close friends and I loved them and they genuinely loved me just the way I was. I was confident that I was smart and that I did my best when I had an assignment in school and my education and my friends were my priority. My family was fine, I had already went through a divorce of my parents which was as painless as it's possible for one to be, but still, difficult. And my brother and I didn't scream and fight anyway.

I decided I had lots of good stuff in my life as it was, that *I* liked me, and I figured plenty of other people liked me and plenty weren't even obligated to.

So I'm over 20 years past that point, more mature, and I've been through some moments where I did turn back into that scared little girl as well, but only a few. And it's much easier to pull away from those immature thoughts that scared little girl had, the more time I spend being the confident, smart, beautiful person that I like being. So my best advice is to find something to remind yourself, in fact as many different things that you can come up with, to explain why you like yourself. And make it concrete, put it in your own personal journal, or write it on a calendar, give yourself some record to come back to when something in your life makes you have doubt, or even to continually remind yourself, the same way you reread your favorite novel, or rewatch your favorite movie.

My opinion of myself is this, I'm not ugly, I'm not the most stunning person visually, but I have some physical features that are wonderful. Mostly though I think of myself as plain, unless and until I want to attract attention to myself by opening my mouth and letting how I think and what I know be known. Because I don't want to stand out in a group of people, I like being almost invisible, to watch people, and to have the option to be quiet. Yes I can be very quiet, for a long time, but I like that I have the option to be loud and gregarious and feel confident doing it as well. Some have said that I don't give myself enough credit, and feel I am prettier than I admit or dare I say it, sexy, even as I wake in the morning, with no preparation or forethought put into it. To them I say thank you, their opinion of me does make me feel good, and I appreciate the compliment. But I'm happy being exactly what I evaluate myself to be, no more and definitely no less.

Julie said...

Katie-what a beautifully written post-u hit the nail on the head...take care

Julie said...

Katie-back again-I hope u don't mind but I shared this post on my fb page

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