Sunday, January 31, 2010

# friendship # thoughts

Thoughts on Frienship & Me

I love this picture. It reminds me of my boys. Ben loves frogs and collects stuffed ones. When the boys were little, I saw them hug each other like this more than once. It always makes me smile. Peter picked them early today so I'm missing them a little extra. It warmed my heart to hear them both say that they weren't quite ready to go back to Dad's. It's good to feel loved and I know my two loves have the biggest capacity for love. Not just for me (and Dad) but for each other. They really are each other's best friend.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Last year, I made it one of my goals to be more open and to take risks when it came to friendship. I'm not sure that I actually did that. Friendship seems to be hard for me. I'm great at random meetings. I can (and often do) talk to anyone about anything, anywhere. People seem to like me on first meetings. The problem is, that's where it ends and I'm not totally sure why.

An example -- Rob and Nickle from when I lived in Buffalo. I first met these two wonderful people at a dinner thing back about six months after I moved to Buffalo. I thought they were great from that first meeting. The thing is, other than bumping into them at different events, I never saw them again. Imagine my total surprise, 18 months later, when Rob told me that he was sorry I was moving back to Michigan and they'd miss me. What? Really? I guess I figured that since they never contacted me outside of the group we were all part of, they didn't care one way or the other about me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't blame them for this. It's more something I'm pondering. Why do I do great first meetings but they never go from there? Were Rob & Nickle waiting for me to make that next move while I was waiting for them? Is that what happens? Am I missing out on friendships because I'm not being assertive enough? Are people waiting on me as I'm waiting on them?

Justin and I were talking about this the other night. He's totally baffled by the fact that I don't have any friends that I can meet up for coffee or anything like that. He says that I have more friends than I probably realize, but none of them are local. He actually thinks that people hint around me that we ought to do something and I'm just totally missing the hints. I don't think that's what's happened but I'm not ruling anything out.

The truth is...I'm always amazed when people are nice to me. I know that's a bit ridiculous since I know I'm a smart, nice person but it's true. When Rob said we could stay at their place back at Halloween, I was really like wow...seriously? You wouldn't mind. When Janice & Susan from 5 Minutes For Mom stopped by the blog the other day, I was amazed that they would stop by my lowly little space on the web. When I see bloggers tweeting back and forth, I'm envious, but I never believe that these incredible women would want to be friends with me. I swear I treat them like celebrities...incredible, wonderful beings who have done just what I want to do but I could never ask their advice because why would they talk to me? Sheesh. Can we say insecure?

So, what do I do about it? I want friends. I want to be able to meet up for coffee or crafting or heck, just about anything. I'm looking forward to having the house totally put together because maybe then I can invite people in. The house isn't ready for that quite yet but progress is being made every day.

I guess the real question is...How do you make friends?


Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...


Sigh... it can be tough, I agree.

I am super friendly, but I find that the easiest relationships to build are with my fellow bloggers. I think it is because we are naturally so transparent and open. I just wish all my bloggy friends lived nearby for coffee dates.

I am terrible though at making time for my IRL friends. I rarely go out for coffee cause I am always working. I do need to spend more time with my IRL friends -- but I just don't make enough effort.

You just keep putting yourself out there. Take risks. When you find someone you gel with, make sure you build on that. Ask them to go out for coffee or have a girl's night. Go for it girl! If you get hurt, it will hurt yes. But so will not trying.


Brooke Lorren said...

I wish I knew. I have lots of acquaintances, but not so many really good ones. But once you are my really good friend, you're my friend for life. I only need a couple of really good friends though.

I just recently made a really good IRL friend a couple of years ago, and now we may have to move this summer. If we do move, we'll still be friends, of course, but I have to find someone else to scrapbook with and stuff.

Jim said...

I remember reading in an article once that something like 60% of people considered their online friendships to be equal to or more important than their IRL friendships.

As someone else who has few IRL friends, I ponder this from time to time as well. Lately, I have relaized I don't get out there to even meet people, so how can I build friendships?

So maybe that is the path to success. Head out to Swede's, take a book with you, an spend an hour. Strike up conversations, enjoy and repeat.

I think I will have to do the same ...

Wendy said...

I wonder the same thing. I'm naturally shy, so that's always been a big obstacle for me, but I've gotten better at overcoming it. My biggest problem seems to be maintaining a friendship. I meet people, whether online or IRL, and it feels like we make a great connection. But then.....poof. Life gets in the way, people get busy, and the connection disappears. At least, that's what happens for me.

I hope you find someone to meet up with for coffee. I'll keep trying to find a friend like that, too. And if you want someone to just tweet back and forth with, feel free to give me a shout-out (barefootmomlady). Finding someone to have a little convo with is my favorite thing about Twitter, and I always answer. :)

gail said...

great post! pondering our friendships or lack thereof is good for the soul. i have alot of casual friends, IRL and online. unfortunately hubby and i have moved around alot in the last 25 years and so i don't have alot of local friends to hang out with. and we will continue to move around in the next few years as he enters his new career.

for awhile, i just didn't have the energy to put myself out there to make friends, and yes, you have to do that. life gets busy and that can be a deterrant to friendship too. but everyone is busy. make time for it. make it a proirity.

i have some awesome friends that i only see every once in a while that i made years ago. but they are treasures i would never give up.

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