Wednesday, November 23, 2011

# depression # life


Tonight, I had someone dm me on Twitter to ask me why I was part of a group if I felt so negatively about it. Who it was doesn't matter. It's the message that they carried to me that shocked me. Not just that, but the way they approached me. I guess I should be thankful that they came to me at all.

The truth is...I'm not thankful. I'm hurt as hell. So, consider this post all about me. It's all about me defending myself and saying you know what, try to understand where I'm at right now.

Let's start with my life...

1. My family - My parents are being insane. That's the only way to put it. And for the record, yes, my family reads this. No, I don't care. For those that are behind the times, here's the scenario:  We're taking Thanksgiving dinner to my grandmother who is dying of stage iv colo- rectal cancer. This means I've spent god knows how much money getting food and god knows how much time figuring out how to move 1/2 my kitchen 90 minutes away. My parents, in a fit of total disrespect, are coming, not coming, coming, god knows...add to that my brother and his nasty attitude.

2. My grandmother is dying. I think one sentence sums that up.

3. The holidays. - Let's see..there was the stress involved in working out a "new" who has who with the kids. There's the knowledge that yet again, I won't be spending the holidays with Justin. There's the stressors to do with money.

4. My kitchen sink. - For over the past week now, I've spent 20+ minutes a day plunging it. The plumber now says it sounds like basement pipes need to be replaced. This means I can't catch up on dishes. My plan for fixing up our kitchen is crawling at a snail's pace. Did I mention I have company arriving in less than 4 hours?

So, to sum it up. I'm stressed...I am stressed to the point where I want to say fuck it all. Yes, I said a bad word. Deal with it. I'm stressed and when I get to this level of stressed, my brain chemicals go nuts and depression comes knocking at my door. I am doing everything I can to hold it together. It's not a huge shock to me and it shouldn't be to anyone else that I might be a bit negative right now.

Do I love Mamavation? Yes. I cannot begin to fathom why anyone would think I don't. Do I see flaws in it? Of course, I do. Nothing is perfect. I have ideas on how to improve certain areas. Have I been publicly negative about the group? Hell no. I don't know who the hell is going around saying I have but they can stop right now.  I work hard every week to support the women in that group. That group is one of the primary reasons that I've lost the weight that I have. The support in that group can be an amazing thing. The women in that group are wonderful people. I wouldn't and don't hesitate to recommend it to people who want to lose weight.

As for this nonsense regarding Anytime Fitness, I wish it would just stop. This kind of drama doesn't help anyone. I've publicly stated that watching the two groups throw their crap back and forth is depressing. It is. You have two groups that ought to be working in partnership. Instead, they're mud slinging. Grow the hell up. Yep, the title of the chapter was outrageous. Yes, I think Leah over-reacted. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat, read the rest. I think the authors over-reacted too. I think the title was a bit of sensationalism and it worked. Do I approve? Not especially but it worked.

Do I think Leah is evil incarnate or any other horrible thing? God, no. I think Leah is great. I think what she's done is great. I think what she's doing for other women is great. Got that, I said Great. I didn't say evil. I didn't say bitch. I didn't say reactionary or any other bad word. Contrary to some beliefs, I have not and will not Leah bash. I know some have taken my comment on a blog post as just that, but it's not.

Do I think Anytime Fitness is a horrible monster? No, I don't. I think they're a company that has the potential to and maybe already does provide a great service. I don't know the CEO or the company well enough to made a judgment.

Got all that? I hope so because is the one and only time I will blog about this. I'm over it. Everyone should be by now. If you want to change the fitness world, don't just talk about it, get off your ass and do something. If you're not doing something, don't bitch and whine to me.

So to all of you out there who feel I'm too negative these days, step outside your own little world and take a peek into mine right now. It's not the most pleasant place to be living. The honest to God's truth is I know it could be worse. It could be so much worse and that's what I try to focus on right now. I focus on the good as much as I can. I focus on my two amazing boys. I focus on the man that loves me. I focus on the few really great friends I have. I try hard to take things one day and sometimes one step at a time.

I guess that just leaves me with one favor to ask of all of you...if you have some sort of negativity that you feel you need to add to my life, please don't. I don't have the strength right now to fight off your attacks. I don't have the energy. I'm down to my last grip as I fight my way through. Yes, life is a battle right now but it's a battle that I'm not giving up on. If you can't help me with this battle, please do me a favor and just go away...


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