Tuesday, July 26, 2011

# benjamin # friendship

Am I Enough?

This isn't the post that I had planned on writing today. I had planned on a lovely book review for all of you to read and maybe even go find so that you could read it yourself. That was my plan. Then, life happened.

Life has a way of happening to me. I spoke with an amazing friend today on the phone and even he commented that when something good happens to me, life seems to come along and try to knock me down. In the past, I've let it knock me down. I've let it knock me down, let it move forward and then I've struggled back to my feet. It somehow always seemed easier that way. Don't fight it, just let it happen and then move on.

Today, I didn't let it happen and move on. I had someone hurt my feelings and I told them that they hurt my feelings. It wasn't just my feelings. They hurt me. It was like a physical blow. It made me cry. Today, I stood up for myself and said hey, you hurt me. They never responded directly to me. Instead, there was a comment on Twitter directed towards a group we're both part of. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for showing me part of your true nature. Life happens.

Life happened 11+ years ago when my baby boy was born with Cerebral Palsy. It happened again yesterday when we had to go speak to a surgeon about lengthening his hamstrings. It happened while she lectured us on how we haven't been doing enough for him and if we didn't do what needed to be doing, surgery could make things worse. I left that office feeling like I was the worst mother in the history of parenthood. I have a son who is scared and in tears about having to have surgery and who just keeps wondering why he has to be different from his brother and I don't have the right answers. How do I explain this so he understands and feels good about himself? How do I tell the surgeon that he hasn't had therapy this summer because I don't have the money to take him?

Now, we have to make those big decisions. Do we get him the surgery? I think we've decided that we need to. When do we do it? His dad wants to do it during Christmas vacation because otherwise, he'll miss a week of school. Me? I'm torn between a) it seems a cruel Christmas gift b) but I'll lose a week of my time with him and c) Responsible parents sometimes don't do the popular thing. In the end, I know I'll go with c but sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens that it's not fair.

Life isn't fair. Life is life. Life is hard. Right now, life is leaving me feeling that I'm just not enough. I'm not enough friend. I'm not enough parent. I'm not enough house cleaner or organizer. That's what I'm hearing and feeling right now. Is it true? If I'm honest, I'm going to say partially. I could do better. I need to do better. I've let things slip. I've given in to doing what's easy instead of what needs to be done.

Here's the honest to goodness truth. I need help. Not in the, I'll come take your kid to therapy for you sense, but in the honest to goodness good friend sense. Sometimes, living out here in the middle of nowhere, I feel alone. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm the one who people come to but that I don't ever speak up and say hey, what about me? Sometimes, I'm the one who needs the hug or the shoulder to cry on. I'm not good at that. I was raised to be the strong one. I'm the one who is expected to fix everyone else. The problem with that..I don't fix me or my life. I forget about taking care of me. I need to take care of me and sometimes, just sometimes, I need to be taken care of.

....and it can be exhausting.


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Justin said...

You've got a lot on your plate and I know that you always feel pulled in a million different directions, but you really do a fine job. Roger and Ben are healthy, happy (when they're not being whiney),and well loved. I think you lack confidence in yourself and that's a shame because you're a very determined, resiliant and tough woman and I for one am very proud of you.

MNMSpecial said...

Its easy for doctors to tell you how to do it a what's wrong. I had lies of repeat surgery because I had my own agenda growing up.
Everyone is a critic.
You will overcome & time will allow that. Good luck!

Carter Family said...

I'm here for you anytime I'd you need an ear or a shoulder a hug or a hand and even a kick in the rear if need be. Life happens I understand about the therapy we only do like 5 speech sessions the whole summer we drop all other therapies during the summer and I don't care what anyone thinks the kids have a right to a break I thi it's better for them. Love ya

Anonymous said...

:( Hugs.

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