Friday, January 7, 2011

# application # fear

Perfectly Afraid

So, that's the question. Well, really the question is, Should I go to grad school? I think most people would say yes. I know that I should. Right now, I have an expensive piece of paper for a bachelor's degree. While it looks really nice, it's not going to get me a job or help to provide for my children. So, yes, I should go to grad school.

Will I? Well, that depends on two things. One, will I actually write out the essay and then mail the packet in? Two, if I do those things, will they say yes?  Those are the questions. I don't have the answers.

Ok, I know the answer to the first one. Yes, I will. I'm going to do it. I'm going to sit down over this weekend and write it. Why this weekend? Because it has to be in their hands by the 15th. Yes, I have massively procrastinated on this. Why? Well, that's the entire point of this post.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I do this and they say no, that I will take the rejection personally and it will send me spiraling. Of course, if they say no, I also have no idea what I'm going to do. I need to go back to school and finish this degree so that I can get a job that allows me to take care of my boys. I also need to go back and get an assistantship to help pay the bills. There are so many things that need to be done that haven't been done because the money just isn't there. We're living one "emergency" to the next right now and all of the should get dones aren't getting done.

Then, there's the other side of the coin. What happens if I do this and they say yes? This bring up a whole other set of fears. Let's see, there's the fear that I just won't be able to do the work. Yes, I have a BA in Psychology but what if I somehow just learned it to pass the tests? What if I don't really know it? I had someone ask me a psych 101 question a few weeks ago and I had to look up answers for it. That's scary. I ought to be able to recite that stuff in my sleep. Plus, there's the fear of having to drive almost an hour every day to campus and that's assuming I find a house in Hastings. If I don't, I could be driving who knows how far. Ugh!

You see, I've gotten myself into a perfect tizzy over this and really, it's just silly. If they turn me down, there's always next year to reapply or maybe it will be for a good reason, like I won't be living close enough this year.  If they say yes, then good. I can do this. I'm a smart woman and I can learn. My brain may not be 22 anymore but it's not 102 either. I can learn and I'm good with people. I would make a good therapist. I know that I would.

So, I'm going to ask all of you for some help. If you read this post and you see me online, ask me if I've written that essay yet. Post comments here, reminding me to get it done. I'm asking for your support and encouragement. I know you won't let me down.

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Crystal said...


I do not think it's scary to need to look up something you previously 'learned' as an undergrad when you haven't been using that info for quite some time. I'm in the same boat, I'm 11 years removed from getting my BA in Psychology, I certainly don't remember all the theories and information thrown at me, nor were the tests meant to show that I'd keep it in my long term memory. The tests were meant to show that you understood what you studied enough to use the information and think about the world in different ways. The point is no therapist does their job without consulting a few manuals or publications daily. The background education just means you know when to look and where to find the information. As far as your immediate goal of just getting the essay written and turned in, you can do this, you will do this, and you will do fine. So get it done! *hugs*

Three's Company said...

Last semester I was briefing a case and pointed something out the professor that he had missed. The point is we all have our good times and bad, no one recalls everything right off the top of their heads. I can't tell you the number of times that a professional has told me 'I'd like to review something before answering that' or 'I'll get back to you'. It's perfectly alright that you don't have a Google search engine for a brain. The important thing is you need to set yourself up for the 'no'. We all have no's in our life. What will you do you get rejected? Well, first, find out why if possible, second, go apply somewhere else. Do you have a mentor yet?

Jim said...

I have to agree with Crystal and Three's Company on this. Honestly, I can't even begin to remember all of the stuff I earned in school. That is why I have kept all of my undergrad notes. I only kept certain textbooks, which I still to this day use as reference material.

Grad School will be huge, from what I have been told by some of my friends who have gone through it. I am sure you will do well!

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