Saturday, March 9, 2013

# 20 things # about me

20 Random Facts About Me

Bonus Fact! This isn't me.

I'm a survivor. I've survived physical abuse, emotional abuse, rape, the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, depression, being suicidal, an eating disorder and maybe more.

Surviving doesn't mean you're not damaged. For me, it means that sometimes I'm held together only by the hugs of those that love me.

I have 4 less permanent teeth than the average adult. I had to have them removed so that I could get braces.

Sometimes I think I'm pretty kick ass. Sometimes I also think that I don't necessarily deserve to be here.

I own more coloring books, crayons and PlayDoh than any other adult I know.

Depression messes with your brain chemicals. There are usually two days a month where hormones trigger the bad chemicals and I have to fight to get through to find the smiles.

I have a teddy bear who travels everywhere with me when I travel away from home. He's flown on airplanes, sat next to me on long car rides and yes, sometimes I talk to him on long car rides.

I've made mistakes. I've also made unpopular decisions. I can't go back. I can only go forward and continue to try to be the person that I truly believe that I can be. I know this one might seem obvious, but it serves as a reminder to myself.

I love the smell of leather. There, I said it. Some women get all gah gah over baby powder scents and what have you..for me, it's leather.

My biggest fear in life is having someone tell me that I'm not worth it. If I close my eyes, I can hear those words repeated over and're not good enough, you ruin everything, you don't deserve good, you're just not worth it. Every day I fight to quiet those voices and hear the ones that tell me that I'm amazing, that I'm smart and funny and beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I could have play dates with my friends. No real grown up stuff allowed.

There is no greater thing in my life than to know someone loves me just how I am. I've been very blessed to have found those people..people who I have been sometimes brutally honest with, even when it makes me look bad...Yet somehow, they look past all that to see that under it all, I'm a wounded little girl who really just needs  someone to love her while she puts her life back together.

I have a thing for cute socks. I may/may not actually own any solid white anymore. I do know that I own zebra, bright stripes and even giraffe spotted ones.

I love people but I can't always be around them. I can and will talk to anyone about anything and be quite happy doing it, but sometimes I just need to be a hermit and only let one or two people into that space.

When I'm happy, I sing. The songs don't always have words, but if I'm happy, there's music in my heart.

I'm rebuilding. I've spent a lot of years just surviving. Now, finally, I am rebuilding. I am rebuilding myself, my home, my family and trying to make my world what I want and need for it to be. This isn't easy and sometimes, it's downright scary. It's about taking risks and chances on things and people. I'm not so good with change but I'm making changes.

If I have a penny to my name, I am far more likely to spend it on someone I care about than ever on myself. It brings me great joy to surprise people with little things. I can't do it very often, but when I can, I pick up little things and send out random happy mail packages. If you get one, please know that it's there simply because I wanted to bring a smile to your face.

I'm just a girl..a sometimes screwed up, sometimes happy go lucky girl who is trying to find her place in this world. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst. I'm just me, trying to be better. I've come to realize that I have some amazing people surrounding me and that it's okay to tell them that I'm not okay and to let them try to help.

I can be really silly, but a lot of the time I'm not. I keep that part locked away because I worry that if people see it, they won't respect me. If I'm being silly around you, know that it's because you've broken past those barriers and I'm completely comfortable with you.

It really is the little things that make me fall in love...the reaching for my hand, the need to touch me for no reason other than to remind us both that we're here, feeding me bits off his plate, spinning me around in a silly dance in the middle of the mall, stroking my hair when we snuggle, random, out of nowhere kisses that start with simply cupping my face and looking into my eyes...yes, those are the things that make me melt...


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