Thursday, October 14, 2010

# cleaning # honesty

Reasons I Collect (Part I)

In realizing just how much I had accumulated, I was forced to stop and think about the reasons why I accumulate things. I realized quickly that there wasn't one solitary, single reason for it. Like a lot of things, my "need" to accumulate is caused by multiple things.

Tonight's focus is going to be on my icon over there to the left. I'm lonely. I currently live in the middle of nowhere and while I love it here, it only causes me to be that much more separated from the people who I could go out with. I live over an hour from my family and they make little to no effort to come see me. In fact, they recently gave me a hard time about the fact that I so rarely go over there. Well, I have my reasons for why that doesn't happen as much as even I would like. I'm not going to go into those here because those are private to them.

Now, I'm sure there are people who are saying, "Ok, but you could invite them over to see you." Of course, I could. However, the state of this house won't allow me to. My pride gets in the way of letting anyone come over here. It gets in the way of letting others know what it's like here. I know that part of it is the fact that my own mother has been known to make nasty comments about my "housekeeping abilities" behind my back. I don't want to give them fuel. I believe I said it before, but fear is another of the reasons and there's so much under that heading that it's going to need it's own post.

So, what about friends? Don't I have friends? For the first time in a very, very long time, I'm going to say yes. I do have friends. Have some of them already judged me? Perhaps, but I think that if they read this, they would maybe take back those judgments and see things through different eyes. So, why don't I go out with these friends? Well, the whole middle of nowhere thing and fears (See? There it is again.) thing keeps me from doing that. Most of my friends live nowhere near me. I haven't made any local friends because of the fear issue.

Ok, now that I've gone on and on about being lonely and being separated from everyone, what does this have to do with why I accumulate? I accumulate to surround myself. If a room is full, it doesn't feel empty and not feeling empty means I don't feel so alone. Not so alone means I don't feel so lonely...or actually, I give myself the illusion of not so alone and if I'm honest with myself, I'm very lonely a lot of the time.



Unknown said...

Personal Psychoanalysis FTW! I've recently been taking a long hard look at my life and how I'm living it. Trying very hard to understand WHY I am the way I am, and do the things I do. Just think the move to be closer to the boys is going to be such a great thing.

DeeAnn said...

I found your blog awhile back. I am a BossKut Gazelle user. I was looking up things for my Gazelle which crossed over to the Pazzles. I came across your blog.

I became hooked. I am a frugality and decluttering fanatic. I love to craft. I found so much inspiration in your blog from your menu plans to your every day life. Your boys are the cutest ever.

I just want you to know your not alone. You have a lot of people who like you. I think your great. If I lived closer to you I would invite you over.

I read your post about accumulating things the other day. How you likened it to being alone. That really hit a core with me. I tend to over declutter. Like get rid of things I love then buy them back again. That is an article itself.

What you wrote really hit me. Made me realize why I do it. You wrote that you surround yourself with things because they won't leave. I get rid of things because I have lost everything and have a terrible fear of losing things again. That post really helped me. I have been studying decluttering for close to twenty years or since my teens. :)

I know this was a long comment. I just wanted to let you know that your blog does inspire and that you are a wonderful person. Sending you hugs.

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