Thursday, January 29, 2009

# fear # friendship

Friends and Fear

I had something happen to me yesterday/today on a group that I belong to. I posted something as a joke..just a how come you guys don't ooh and ahh over pics and stuff of my kids like you do the others..and got told I'm being too sensitive. Ok, it totally wasn't meant like that and their response made me cry..but in that, I guess it was time to do some thinking.

Am I sensitive? Yeah..super sensitive. I've been hurt so many times in my life that it's made me scared. I'm terrified of opening myself up to these women because it would be so easy for them to hurt me, sometimes they already do without even knowing it. I don't want them to know that sometimes they make me cry because if they knew, it would give them power over me.

A little while back, I basically disappeared from the group and only one person got in touch with me to make sure I was ok. When I apologized to the group, they all pretty much said no big deal, which to me said they didn't really care if I was there or not. That might not be the case, but that's how it felt. I've been back with this group of women for a year or so now and I still feel like an outsider.

I promised myself that this year was going to be about trying to nurture friendships and to actually have some real friends, but the truth is that I'm afraid. Every time I start to open up to these women, some comment is made and I get hurt and close right back up. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm so afraid that if I let these women know the truth about me, that instead of accepting me like they have one another, they'll tell me I'm too sensitive and reject me.

I don't have many friends..maybe only 3. One of them I haven't heard much from lately and honestly, part of me is scared that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I know how wonderful she is and how people seem to just adore her. Honestly, I'm pretty surprised that she's my friend at all.

Anyway, that's enough of me crying here. Life must go on and I have a cheesecake to go buy for class.


1 comment:

Michaelle said...

Katie, Whatever this group is, they are bringing you down instead of lifting you up. That is what friends do. Leave this group PRONTO! Find another group that makes you feel more comfy, cozy and accepted.

I don't know what kind of group you are looking for, but I will be posting some places to connect with other bloggers/women soon. Be watching for it!

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