Friday, March 2, 2012

# dreams # insecurity


Unknown Source
It's been a while since I've had a night where I felt so downright lost and inconsequential. Quite often, I can pinpoint the reason why but tonight it was just suddenly there.

I popped into the incredibly talented Kate Finnegan's livestream to watch her color for an upcoming cover for Big Dog Ink's Oz. Usually when I pop into these things I just sit and watch in amazement as she works. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I'm an active participant in the chat portion. Heck, I've been doing chat rooms for so many years that it's near impossible for me to sit quiet in one.

Everything was fine. Kate was working away and suddenly it hit me. I was sitting in a chat room full of mega talented comic book folk. Artists, colorists and writers were all right there in that room and through no one's fault, suddenly I felt like a nobody. I was surrounded by amazing talent and there I was. I didn't belong with them. I watched as back and forth they went, supporting one another, telling each other how great they all were and more and more I thought, why am I in here? I don't belong here. I don't have any kind of skill that I could offer them.

You see, lately, I've feel feeling ...unfulfilled? Unimportant? I don't know. I know it's a flaw of my own to need to feel like I'm important..that I'm changing lives..that I'm making a difference to someone..It's why I volunteer to research locations for people's drawings. It's why I'm willing to write reviews for free. Yes, I love the books I get, but they're digital and when it comes to comics, I want the physical copies and I have paid for every single one that I've liked enough to review.

So, here I a room filled with amazing people and all I could hear inside my head was, why are you here? You're a nobody. You're just a blogger. If you vanished tomorrow, not one of these people would notice. You'd just be gone. I watched as amazing things happened to someone in that room and while I was thrilled for them, a part of me thought...See, that will never happen to you. You won't be the girl who goes to a convention, no matter the type, and have a job offered to them. You know others who that has happened to. You know someone who that happened to less than a week ago. That won't be you. You have nothing to offer these people. You have no skills.

Sometimes my brain has a big mouth that runs on for ages. I even posted about it to Facebook..and while the responses I got were sweet, they didn't touch on the real issue. What are these supposed skills that I have that are so valuable? Yes, people talk to me about all sorts of things and sometimes I know the right thing to say. What does that get me other than a lot of people who only want me around when they're having problems? Don't get me wrong, I have real friends but a lot of these people only seek me out during hard times. They're not there for my hard times and when mine come, they still only want to talk about themselves. Sometimes, I just need to talk about me.

I don't know where this all came from. It made me sad at myself for feeling this way. Not even Justin could get through it tonight. He actually told me that he's not allowed to tell me how great I am because I don't believe it anymore when he says it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I've somehow decided that unless I hear it from others too, it's not true. It's something to think about.

Want to know the saddest little bit about this whole thing? I actually offered my "skills" to Tom for $1 a day tonight. I know it read as a joke and it was a joke...kind of. I guess I'm tired of sitting on the outside of the world and looking in. I want to be a part of things. I want to be taken seriously. I'm tired of hearing oh, you're just a blogger, whether it's from my own brain or someone's lips or fingertips. I just want someone to come up to me one day and say you know what? You're an amazing and awesome person and I want you to be a part of the team.

For those of you who actually read all of this, thank you. I know that there won't be many comments left because people just don't leave many comments these days, but I do appreciate the eyes that come and read. I started writing in the hopes this would turn into another amazingly insightful piece but I think mostly, I just needed to write for me. I needed to purge some of this out of my system. Someone said tonight that I don't have any physical skills..and it's left me wondering, if I don't have those, what skills do I have?


"Big Dog Ink Official Artists Therapist..."

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Andrea said...

Well, you are on my team, for what it counts. :) I love you so much. You've become very dear to me. I am sorry you are feeling insecure. You have PLENTY of skills. Plenty. Try to be positive and look at everything you can do instead of what you can't.

Musings from the Galaxy said...

I think it is a slippery slope when we try and compare ourselves to others. Especially those we admire, or look up to. A first time golfer, comparig themselves to Tiger Woods...unless the golfer spends his time bedding models and strippers, there is no real comparison. The great thing about being a human being is that we are all different, with our own skills.

Friendship isn't necessarily about being in a group who are all equally good at the same thing. In fact I couldn't think of anything worse. I mean, could you seriously imagine it.

A wise person once told me, when I was having one of my low moments, that I should stop, sit down and write a list of 5 things that I was good at, for everything I felt I was bad at. And yes it works. I still do it today, and my lists grow longer and longer.

I am no John Travolta, but when the music is right and the mood is perfect I i have been known to trhow some shapes on the dance floow.

Chin up little elf...for every thing you feel insecure about, those you admire feel insecure about something equally as important to their lives.


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