What now?

I've spent the past 30 hours wanting to write here, even needing to write here but not knowing what to say. I always find that to be such a sad irony; the girl who has a writer's soul not knowing what to write. I guess let's start with what the doctor said...

I broke it down for some friends like this:

1. It turns out that I'm brilliant. IQ testing, for what it's worth, put me at smarter than 90% of the people on the planet.
2. I have PTSD that mostly likely began when I was about 3 and has continued untreated well into adulthood. The other "traumas" that I have gone through have only made it worse and in part most likely led to...
3. What is most likely Bipolar II disorder. The testing that I did wasn't geared towards that but it did come up as a possibility and after discussing my symptoms that the testing didn't go over, he's pretty convinced.

So...now what? Now, I wait to hear back from my primary care doctor to see if they'll write me a prescription for a lithium based medication. I also have to call and set up a therapy schedule with a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy for women and children.

On paper, that's where I am right now. Inside my head, I'm so far from there. The stress and anxiety of yesterday has led to exhaustion and depression today. Add into that what one friend calls the "female chemical factory" that's going on inside of my body and I'm left wondering what the point of it all is.

I'd love to be able to say don't worry, I'll be fine, but the reality is..or at least the reality inside of my own head...I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be "fine" again. I look around and I see people smiling and laughing and so much of the time, it feels as if I don't even recognize those emotions. I put on a brilliant show, but deep down, I'm not sure what happy even is.

There are times..maybe too many times..that I sit and think about how I wish nobody really cared about me because then I could just vanish. Somehow, I could just cease to exist on this planet and the world would be such a better place. The oddest part? When I have those thoughts, I'm disconnected from them. There's no deep emotional well that they're coming from. If I were to say it out loud, it would be said in that same bored tone like, "Yeah, I should take the garbage out."

So I would love to say don't worry...because I'll be okay, but instead it's don't worry, you'll be okay. Who knows, maybe I will be too. After all, this is only 2/3 of my world...the rest of it is nothing like this...

For now though, I'm going to leave you with two posts..written by someone who has said and illustrated it so much better than I can right now. She's been there, so she understands...please go and read these and leave her your support.

Adventures in Depression Part I and Adventures in Depression Part II



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I'm Scared of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day where I find out if I'm officially crazy. I've said it before and I guess I'm going to say it again...I don't know which idea is scarier..the one where he looks at me and says there's nothing wrong with you or the one where he looks at me and says yeah, you were right. You have entire subscriptions to issues. I've spent so many years fighting this and I'm so tired. I'm so dang tired and scared.

I'm tired of the days where I wake up and my brain just doesn't work right. It's so hard to explain. It's like I'm in a room and one minute, it's open and light and airy. The next minute, it's filled with dense fog and suddenly there are walls that I can't see and I keep smacking into them. If I try to push past it, I get terrible headaches.

I'm tired of the days where everything seems to be okay but then suddenly I'm caught up in this whirlwind of fear and anxiety and all I can do is sit and rock while I cry, whispering please can't someone help me? Those are the days where I feel so incredibly alone. I feel as if nobody on the planet has the time to just sit and spend a bit of time talking to me. Those are the days when I want to throw myself at the feet of some and beg them to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay because okay is the last thing that I can see.

I'm even tired of the up days. The up days where everything is remarkably clear and I can focus and my brain works at super sonic speeds and I get a thousand things done. I'm happy and cheerful and optimistic and nothing can bring me down. They also leave me exhausted, both mentally and physically. Plus, I can't maintain those levels and when I crash, I crash hard.

I'm tired of living life on this rollercoaster where there are times when I don't feel as if I have any control. I'm tired of the "side effects" of living a life this way. I need answers and tomorrow, I will get answers. It's been close to two weeks since I sat in that room and took a battery of tests. Before I took the tests, the psychologist told me that he thinks part of my problem is that I'm too smart and that I'm not using my brain to its potential so it gets bored and bored brains are bad things. He wasn't surprised that I found myself doing editing since it requires a high level of intelligence and attention to detail. Then, I took the tests and I left feeling like an idiot. It's not surprising. The tests are meant to challenge your brain and mine hasn't been properly challenged in a long time. It's like using muscles that haven't been used in years..they moan and groan and struggle.

Tomorrow, I get answers and I'm scared. Deep down I know that it will all be okay but on those upper levels, I'm scared and I just want someone to hug me, to hold me and to tell me that it's all going to be okay.




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Finding Me

I haven't been posting here regularly for a while now. Usually I come back and I make some lame excuse or laugh off my absence. Today..Today, I'm going to tell you the truth of where I've been.

I've been right here. I've been sitting here, staring at this screen and wishing desperately for the knowledge of how to tell any of you who still read here that I'm not okay. I'm not fine. If I say those words, odds are that they're lies because while I so desperately want to be, I'm not fine and I'm not okay. I haven't been for a long time.

Oh sure, there are good days. Everyone has good days, even me. There have been days where I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can bring me back down. Those days are almost too good. They give me hope and for a brief shining moment, there's clarity.

Then, there are the bad days. Oh God, the bad days nearly kill me sometimes. Those are the days where I sit and cry because my life just feels impossible. Those are the days where I look down at my wrists and I think about how good it would actually feel to slice open that fragile skin. I don't want to die. It's not about death. It's about feeling something other than whatever is holding me down.

I met a boy not so long ago and he was wonderful. For the first time, perhaps ever, I opened myself up to him. I showed him the good days and I showed him pieces of the bad days. It was hard because I was so afraid that the "truths" of the bad days really were the truth. The voices that tell me that I'm useless, that I'm ugly, that I'm stupid, that I don't deserve happiness..I was so afraid that he would look at the real me and just confirm those things. He didn't, but he still broke my heart. You see, I showed him the real me and he said the real me doesn't exist.

Do I exist? That's such an awful question if you think about it. We all want to exist. We all want to be important in someone's world, don't we? To have someone say that you don't exist and then prove it by completely shutting you out of their world is just awful. It's been a couple of weeks and it still fills me with a horrible amount of sadness.

You see, I do exist but I exist within a world that not many people understand or even get to see. I live in a world where I may be on top of the world for a few days and then below the bottom of the ocean for a number after that. I ride a chemical and emotional roller coaster that makes no sense to many who haven't lived it themselves.

There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, where all I want to do is pull the covers up over me and pretend that I don't exist. It would be so much easier than trying to push through it. How do you explain to the people around you, the people who tell you how smart you are, that there are days where trying to think or put together coherent thought is like being in a smoke filled box where you can't see the walls and so you keep slamming into them as they move in closer and closer to you? That the very attempt at trying gives you awful headaches but you keep trying because you don't want anyone to see just how much you struggle with something that other times comes so easily? How do you explain that sometimes it's like there are two of you living inside your own head? There's the completely logical, rational, totally you girl..your true personality and spirit..but then there's this emotionally rabid creature that just reacts without reason. How do you explain that it's that second girl who desperately seeks out love and affection, even when it's not healthy? It's that girl who will crumple into a weeping pile over something said without any intent of harm or malice?

Those are the bad days, the days where I spend all day fighting myself until I'm an exhausted mess by the end of the day. Those are the days when I try to avoid people and yet everything within me screams to be with certain people. You see, I have what I call my safe zone..those people who have known me for ages and yet still accept me, even on the bad days when I know they don't understand what's happening with me. They're my 5 safe places. The irony is that I can't easily access any of them but they're the 5 that deep down I know that if things got bad enough, they'd be there.

It's not all bad days though. There are the way too good days too. The days where I wake up and I'm on top of the world, nothing can stop me and it's going to be amazing. Those are the days where I'm like a machine. I can accomplish amazing amounts of things and I'm happy, cheerful, bubbly and everyone loves me.

The problem with those? It's not normal or healthy either. A person cannot maintain that level of omgtheworldisawesomeandyesitalklikethisonthosedays. My brain moves at hyper sonic speeds and it's not unusual for me to have half a dozen things going on at once in it. I could be hearing a song, arguing with myself, thinking over some problem, sorting out a schedule and all this going on while I'm actively doing something else. Other times, my body is still as still can be because my brain is moving so fast that I don't need to move. For me, they can last no more than a few days and then the crash comes and I go through a series of bad days. Then, if I'm lucky, it balances out and I have
"normal" days for a little while before the whole cycle starts again.

You see, this isn't just depression. I've done depression and this is something more.  If I had my guess, it's Bipolar II disorder. My guess isn't good enough though, so I'm seeing a clinical psychologist next week. I need to know what's wrong with me and if it's even possible for me to live a normal life. I need to know if I can be just me without all of this holding me down and holding me back. I know that I will never get the boy back or help him to understand that I loved him enough to
show him the good and the bad, but maybe I can help other people understand what it's like to live with this by writing about it. It's a scary, scary place where so often I feel incredibly alone, so alone that I panic and will reach out to people who have no idea just how badly I need them to hold my hand and to tell me that it's going to be okay.

I'm just a girl, lost in her own world, who needs to know that even when she's "crazy", she's still loved.




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Thank You

While today is Saint Patrick's Day, that's not why I've come to write. I know that I've been neglectful of all my sites lately but sometimes, in life, you need to handle life and writing takes a back seat. Today, I came to write about one of the wonderful pieces that have caused me to be away.

Do you see that shamrock over there? Do you know what I love best about it? I love that it's made up of four hearts. It has four hearts with one stem. So does one of the most wonderful pieces of my life right now. You see, I've found family. Oh I know that I've had a birth family and that there are certainly friends in my life who have made up a family of another sort, but this family is different.

This family is made up of three amazing people who didn't have to accept me. In fact, on some levels, it would have been so much easier to completely shut me out. They didn't though and that's just proof of how wonderful they really are. Over the past few weeks, we've gone through our tough times and I'm sure that all of us have wondered if the bruises were worth it. They've shown me though just how strong love can be and how strong they are. They have inspired me to be a better person than I am and to open up myself to each of them.

So today, while some are drinking Guinness and eating corned beef, I'm just here being thankful. Saint Patrick might have brought Christianity to Ireland, but these three people have brought me so much more. They've shown me love, strength and the sheer joy that can come when someone wraps their arms around you. They've shown me what it means to really and truly believe in someone. They've let me in and not only that, but they've wrapped their arms tight around me and asked me to stay. I cannot begin to express what any of this means to me.

We're not together right now and I don't know when we will be but I do know that none of us will ever really be alone again. We all carry a piece of the others, no matter where we are or where we go. I love them..each and every one of them and I carry the knowledge that they love me. So while we are four hearts, we are part of one whole..one family and it's something that I am thankful beyond measure for.


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Enjoy the First Ray of Sunshine in Spring 2013

With the sun shining and the weather really starting to heat up, it's time to grab some new sunglasses. You can go for a conservative retro-chic look or something totally wild and colorful. Summer is coming so you will get a little more freedom than usual. Embrace it. Yes, Sunglasses have been a wide application around all groups of people. The main reason is that sunglasses play an important role in UV radiation protection. Indeed, millions of people around the world benefit a lot from the sunglasses. Why not find something not only useful but attractive as well?

In comparison, wraparound sunglasses are a better choice for sunglasses because of their wraparound design. First, they will offer better eye protection by preventing UV rays from more than one angle, the front and the sides. Second, they can shield wind or other fine articles from reaching your eyes and cling firmly to your face. Third, they can make your face look smaller. Fourth, they will protect the skin around your eyes by covering larger parts of your face with their distinct shapes. All and all, these features undoubtedly make wrap round sunglasses an ideal choice for you to enjoy comfort and fashion at the same time.

But for the people who have vision problems, a pair of sunglasses is not enough. In this case, prescription sunglasses can provide an excellent service. Nowadays, prescription sunglasses have attracted more and more people and played an important role in our life. They are specially designed for people with myopia, hyperopia or presbyopia. Stylish prescription sunglasses not only provide you with a clearer vision but more importantly they put you in a position of fashion and vogue. If you have to wear prescription glasses and want to wear sunglasses, stylish prescription sunglasses are the very item you can lay your hands on.

Where will you get sunglasses? Purchasing online may be a better choice. You can buy the high-quality sunglasses at wholesale prices. The latest styles and designs will make you outstanding among the public. Firmoo should be one of your better choices.

Firmoo.com is the world's most popular online eyeglasses store. Years of expertise in optical industry enable Firmoo.com to offer varieties of prescription eyewear to the consuming public in high quality yet at extremely affordable prices. The low prices in Firmoo.com never compromise the quality of eyewear while treating the quality and services to consumers as top priority.

Enjoy fashion & comfort at the same time. Now is the brightest time to buy sunglasses! 

This is a sponsored post by Firmoo.com -- All comments made within the post are those of the company.
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Book Review: A Wreath of Snow

About the book:
Christmas Eve 1894
All Margaret Campbell wants for Christmas is a safe journey home. When her plans for a festive holiday with her family in Stirling crumble beneath the weight of her brother’s bitterness, the young schoolteacher wants nothing more than to return to the students she loves and the town house she calls home.
Then an unexpected detour places her in the path of Gordon Shaw, a handsome newspaperman from Glasgow, who struggles under a burden of remorse and shame.
When the secret of their shared history is revealed, will it leave them tangled in a knot of regret? Or might their past hold the threads that will bind their future together?
As warm as a woolen scarf on a cold winter’s eve, this is a tender story of love and forgiveness, wrapped in a celebration of all things Scottish, all things Victorian, and, especially, all things Christmas.

Christmas novellas are one of my favorite things simply because they're quite often easy reads that you can lose yourself in for just a bit of time and then it's right back to the real world. Sadly, I think this one would have done better written as a full length book. It lacked a certain depth and richness that giving it more would have helped with. Over all though, a story that is certainly worth picking up and checking out for yourself.



I received a copy of  this book through the Blogging For Books program. All thoughts, comments and opinions are 100% mine.
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20 Random Facts About Me

Bonus Fact! This isn't me.

I'm a survivor. I've survived physical abuse, emotional abuse, rape, the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, depression, being suicidal, an eating disorder and maybe more.

Surviving doesn't mean you're not damaged. For me, it means that sometimes I'm held together only by the hugs of those that love me.

I have 4 less permanent teeth than the average adult. I had to have them removed so that I could get braces.

Sometimes I think I'm pretty kick ass. Sometimes I also think that I don't necessarily deserve to be here.

I own more coloring books, crayons and PlayDoh than any other adult I know.

Depression messes with your brain chemicals. There are usually two days a month where hormones trigger the bad chemicals and I have to fight to get through to find the smiles.

I have a teddy bear who travels everywhere with me when I travel away from home. He's flown on airplanes, sat next to me on long car rides and yes, sometimes I talk to him on long car rides.

I've made mistakes. I've also made unpopular decisions. I can't go back. I can only go forward and continue to try to be the person that I truly believe that I can be. I know this one might seem obvious, but it serves as a reminder to myself.

I love the smell of leather. There, I said it. Some women get all gah gah over baby powder scents and what have you..for me, it's leather.

My biggest fear in life is having someone tell me that I'm not worth it. If I close my eyes, I can hear those words repeated over and over...you're not good enough, you ruin everything, you don't deserve good, you're just not worth it. Every day I fight to quiet those voices and hear the ones that tell me that I'm amazing, that I'm smart and funny and beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I could have play dates with my friends. No real grown up stuff allowed.

There is no greater thing in my life than to know someone loves me just how I am. I've been very blessed to have found those people..people who I have been sometimes brutally honest with, even when it makes me look bad...Yet somehow, they look past all that to see that under it all, I'm a wounded little girl who really just needs  someone to love her while she puts her life back together.

I have a thing for cute socks. I may/may not actually own any solid white anymore. I do know that I own zebra, bright stripes and even giraffe spotted ones.

I love people but I can't always be around them. I can and will talk to anyone about anything and be quite happy doing it, but sometimes I just need to be a hermit and only let one or two people into that space.

When I'm happy, I sing. The songs don't always have words, but if I'm happy, there's music in my heart.

I'm rebuilding. I've spent a lot of years just surviving. Now, finally, I am rebuilding. I am rebuilding myself, my home, my family and trying to make my world what I want and need for it to be. This isn't easy and sometimes, it's downright scary. It's about taking risks and chances on things and people. I'm not so good with change but I'm making changes.

If I have a penny to my name, I am far more likely to spend it on someone I care about than ever on myself. It brings me great joy to surprise people with little things. I can't do it very often, but when I can, I pick up little things and send out random happy mail packages. If you get one, please know that it's there simply because I wanted to bring a smile to your face.

I'm just a girl..a sometimes screwed up, sometimes happy go lucky girl who is trying to find her place in this world. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst. I'm just me, trying to be better. I've come to realize that I have some amazing people surrounding me and that it's okay to tell them that I'm not okay and to let them try to help.

I can be really silly, but a lot of the time I'm not. I keep that part locked away because I worry that if people see it, they won't respect me. If I'm being silly around you, know that it's because you've broken past those barriers and I'm completely comfortable with you.

It really is the little things that make me fall in love...the reaching for my hand, the need to touch me for no reason other than to remind us both that we're here, feeding me bits off his plate, spinning me around in a silly dance in the middle of the mall, stroking my hair when we snuggle, random, out of nowhere kisses that start with simply cupping my face and looking into my eyes...yes, those are the things that make me melt...

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