Posted by Katrina Roets at 8:25 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Yep. 40. In a mere 13 days, I will be arriving at that major milestone in my life. As with any birthday that ends in zero, it's caused me to be introspective and to look at where my life is, where my life was, and where I'd like my life to go. Then, because I so rarely post here as much as I would like, I decided to share it with you. After all, it was that or do more than pretend to watch one of my least favorite iCarly episodes with the boys. This way, I can be in the room, hanging out with them, but don't have to focus on it. Yay for having teenagers that like you around but don't care if you're watching the show with them!
So...40. Ben tells me that reaching 40 is a major life accomplishment. He didn't expand upon that, but looking back on my life and where I've been, I can't argue with him. There have been times in my life that I wanted nothing more than to no longer be on this planet, but somehow (and with the love and support of some amazing people), here I still am. Do I regret those feelings? No because fighting to get past them is part of what's made me who I am today.
Life hasn't always been grand, but I don't want to dwell on a lot of it. For that you'll have to buy my book. *grins* So let's just talk about birthdays. I don't remember having a birthday party after maybe my 13th. My birthday just kind of became a non thing. After I got married, even my husband didn't give it much attention. If I had a cake, it was because I made it. He'd tell me to go buy something for myself. As the years went on, I felt less and less like I mattered to anyone. It didn't get any better after the divorce. For my 30th birthday, I was raped. For my 35th, someone decided to throw me a birthday party that nobody came to. After that, I tried to make plans with friends so that I wouldn't be alone but every year for the past 4 years, I've made plans and people have bailed on me.
This year was going to be different. Last year I said that I was going to spend my 40th in England, surrounded by friends. It didn't happen because financially the kids needed those funds for various things. Then, I made tentative plans with someone really special and awesome. Sadly, circumstances have made that impossible.
So where does that leave me? Well, that depends upon how you look at things. Let's look at a couple of scenarios:
1) I turn 40. I spend the entire day alone until it's time to go into town for the football game. At the game, I sit in the stands alone. After the game, I chaperone the dance where I stand alone against a wall and just feel generally miserable. I've had this birthday before. It pretty much sucks.
2) I still turn 40. I don't think I'm going to avoid that. I spend the day doing something I love, like learning or writing or talking with any friends who may be around online. I go to the game and enjoy watching Ben on the sidelines and Roger on the field with the band. Afterwards, we skip the dance, come home and hang out for a while. Then, we take the rest of the weekend and just have fun (except for any homework that needs doing).
In the end, it's about attitude. It's about my attitude towards the day. I could look at 40 and sigh and say life is half over or I could smile and say hey, I have half a life to go, what should I do with it? It's all up to me. I know that option 1 will be what my programmed mind will want to veer towards. My mean brain will tell me that nobody cares enough about me to come and spend my birthday with me, that if people loved me that they'd make a big deal out of the day I was born, that cards and gifts somehow show my self worth. None of that is true, but I've been programmed to believe those things. The bonus of being human and not a computer? I can retrain myself. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So, that's what I'm going to be working on...that and planning what awesome shenanigans I can get up to in my 40th year! Keep your eyes open for the annual birthday post with my hopes and plans for the upcoming year!
Oh...and if you wanted to get me something, ocd me created an Amazon wishlist specifically just for my birthday. Don't worry. If you don't, I'm not going to take it personally because y'all show me you love me every time I post anything here and you stop by to read. Let's create another year of amazingness because after all 40 is going to be the new me!
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