Sunday, December 4, 2011

# depression

Depression Sucks

It's not often that I write about the darker sides of being me. That's not because I'm trying to hide them but because usually they're manageable. Usually I can find the good in nearly every situation. Usually, I'm me. Today, I'm not.

I know how weird that sounds, but on some levels it's true. I'm a hard worker. I'm focused. I'm generally a clear thinker. Today, I'm none of those things. Today, the depression is muddling my brain and it frustrates me. It makes me angry.  The only problem with that? I don't feel those emotions properly. I know they're there, but my brain can't process them.

Why? It's too busy going oooh there are the bad brain chemicals floating around in here. That leaves the rest of me to go ok, so now what? Well, what my body wants to do is nothing. It wants to sit here and not focus on anything but how those chemicals make it feel. What do I want to do? I want to finish Christmas presents. I want to do laundry. I want to clean house. I want to finish writing the review that I promised a certain comic book creator. I want to turn on Christmas music and be able to have it in the background.

What am I doing? A combination of both. I've started the review but every time I get going, something distracts me and my brain just cannot multitask today. Even writing this post is hard because my brain is trying to focus elsewhere. In fact, I'm starting to get a headache from forcing it to finish this post.

This isn't fun. Really and truly, it's having days like this that make me tell those who come to me claiming to have depression to be glad that they really don't. It can be so entirely disabling and the only thing I can do is not to give into it. I cannot give into the desires to go back to bed and curl up and sleep. Sleep is how my brain handles the crazy chemicals whirling around inside. Instead, I will force myself to focus, even if it's just on one thing at a time and I will get through today and tomorrow and as many days as it takes to get back to being me again.


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2 comments:

Jim said...

I know how it feels. You have such great intentions to do what you need/want to do to be productive, but you just cant focus. In the end, you muddle through as best you can. Like you, I work hard at keeping my depression in check. Most people had no idea I had depression issues, and it is only recently that I have been able to accept them and deal with them myself.
Keep on keeping on, as they say, but don't be too proud to seek help if it gets too bad. That was my mistake, but I finally corrected it. Now I am doing far better, and I am actually looking forward to the day to come instead of dreading it. You can do it, and all of your friends are here for you if you need help.

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