Transparency

A while back, I wrote a post entitled Dreams Can Become Reality. In it, I mentioned a desire to be more transparent. At the time, I had a blog post brewing in my head. It wasn't anything dramatic, just a simple 10 things you may not have known about me. However, in true me fashion as of late, the post never got written. Then, today, I was pointed towards Tony's post The Word "Wish" and in it, he mentioned Ryan's post What I Wish More People Knew About Me. Guess what that post is? A 10 things you may not know about me post. Between the pair of them, I'm convinced it's time to write my own 10 things list. Are you ready for this? I'm not sure that I am but the time is right and the time is now.

1.) I love to write but I'm afraid that nobody ever reads it or cares about what I write. - I've been blogging for about 12 years now (yes, before Blogger even existed!) and to this day, I'm sure that nobody ever reads it. I tell myself that I write for me and in part, that's very true, but like most people, I crave the feedback and the oh my gosh, that's awesome responses that I see other places.

2.) I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. - Seriously. Not one single clue. Recently, I realized it's because I love so many things and I just don't quite know how to put them all together. Then, I realized that maybe this blog is how to put them all together. Then, I realized I don't know how to make that happen so I'm back at step 1 again. Ok, maybe step 1a. I'm not really sure.

3.) I will pick things up out of people's trash or on the side of the road. - It's true. For example, the shelving in my bathroom? Total on the side of the road with a free sign on it find. A ton of scrubbing later (I think it was stored in a machine shed..it had grease and grime everywhere!) and it's currently holding toilet paper and extra shampoo/soap/etc. Last night, at 11pm, I pulled to the side of the street and snagged a milk crate filled with flower pots. I have no shame. Really.

4.) I consider myself a baby blogger & it makes my day to have a grown up blogger talk to me or comment on one of my posts.  - I know that it's baffling to people like Janice & Susan from 5MinutesForMom when I get all hyper and giddy when one of them comment, but it happens every single time. I've been blogging for 12 years and I have 60 followers. I'm not approached by big companies. I don't have 10,000 Twitter followers. Heck, I can't even make it to 500. I'm a nobody in the blogger world so when a somebody talks to me, it blows my mind. I swear Tom Cruise could come up and have a conversation with me and I'd be like well, that was nice, but for example, if Ryan, Tony, or I dunno...Ree were to comment on this post or heaven help me, actually send others to follow me, read my posts or anything, I'd practically fall off my bed. I want these people to be my friends but I'm pretty sure they don't know I exist.

5.) I am obsessively organized but my house is a disaster right now. - This one is tough to write about because everyone thinks I have it so together, but the truth is, I'm digging out when it comes to my house. I'm a serious packrat and due to emotional issues stemming back to childhood, I tend to collect to give myself a sense of security. It's false security and I know this so I'm digging my way out. I'm blessed to have two awesome kids who are helping me in this process.

6.) I have a degree in Psychology but I don't psychoanalyze people. - This might seem weird to some, but recently, I was accused of psychoanalyzing someone because I asked them if there was a reason for why they did what they were doing. I had to point out to them that if they'd known me before I was handed a piece of paper, I would have asked them the same question. My mind has always worked along those lines and it's part of the reason people tend to come to me for advice.

7.) I'm not like all the other girls you know.  - I'm including this one because it was pointed out to me recently that I don't think and act like other women. I honestly couldn't exactly explain why this is or how I'm different, just that I tend to think differently on a variety of subjects. I learned a long time ago that this world is not black or white. I think in shades of grey, I guess you could say.

8.) I have a hard time not being on. - In other words, I have a hard time shutting off. I was taught at a fairly young age that I was the one responsible for things I never should have been responsible for. It's led me to be that person who feels she has to fix the world. If something is wrong, it's very hard for me to not jump in. My brain is always running at psychotic speeds and that doesn't always stop when I go to sleep. This also means that I have a hard time simply relaxing and enjoying things. I've been blessed to find certain people in my life who have that ability. When I'm with them, I can shut down and just relax. I don't have to think or fix things.

9.) I think in shades of grey and yet have a need to define everything. - Figure that one out. I honestly can't, but it's the truth. I rarely think of things as black or white and yet, I'm constantly trying to define or compartmentalize things. It's the most baffling thing. It happens most often with relationships. I need to know precisely where I stand with people. The unknown is terrifying to me. I know that it comes from childhood and the instability and insecurities but I also know it drives people insane sometimes when they're dealing with me.

10.) Sometimes I hate the internet. - Please don't shoot me or send me hate mail for this one. You have to understand that I've been online since before Google existed. I've been part of the online community since before everyone had a web page. In terms of the internet, I'm old and old people get tired. For me, there's a certain exhaustion that sometimes rolls around when I sit down behind a computer screen. I long for the days when I hung out with people whose faces I could see or whose hands I could touch. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't exchange any of my online friends for anything, but I'm human and sometimes I crave face to face interaction with people. I also think that the internet has caused us to become socially lazy. I've seen how the acronyms we invented back in talker days have become common use and how people somehow think that sending a Facebook message somehow replaces a phone call or even..and nobody have a heart attack here...but mail. Not email. Real mail. In internet slang (yes slang) snail mail. That stuff that you have to actually walk out to the mailbox to get. I received a just because card in the mail yesterday and let me tell you, it made my day that someone took the time to find a card for me, to write in it, to address an envelope and to actually mail it. Sometimes, I hate the internet and the laziness and impersonal interactions that we have allowed it to lead to. People are people even if they're living behind a screen. I think sometimes we tend to forget that and forget that as humans, we require interactions to have healthy psyches.

11.) I am a survivor. - I know I said 10, but I wanted/needed to include this one. I am a survivor. I have survived emotional and physical abuse. I have survived rape. I have survived divorce and more. I am a survivor and I need to remember this. I can do anything.

There are probably so many more things that I could write about but for now, I'm going to leave you with those and go take some deep breathes. That post was tougher to write than I think I realized it would be. I hope that maybe my words will inspire you to write your own post. Let's really get to know one another. I promise it's a good thing.



PS Yes, that is actually a picture of me...one of the rare ones that exist. If you're not sure, I'm the girl on the left. It was at a radio event last year. I miss my show but like #1, I was convinced no one ever listened.

If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons: