The Need to Write

Another Monday and another post with me starting off by asking where have I been for weeks that I haven't posted. The truth is that I haven't been anywhere. I've been right here telling myself that I ought to post and yet making every excuse why not to. The other truth is that I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not perfect and neither is this blog. In some ways, this blog is a reflection of who I am. In other ways, it's a reflection of who I want to be.

I know that I'm not perfect and that so many of the changes that I want/need to make rely on me making them. I can't wait around and assume that someone else is going to make them for me. No one will. No one can. If I want to change things, I have to change. I need to stop remembering when I juggled everything and then some and focus on the small changes that I can make now that can lead to bigger changes down the road.

I mailed out my graduate school recommendation packets the other day and that was huge for me. I actually stood at the mailbox and had to tell myself to do it. Once I did, I felt this huge burden lifted off of me. Those packets were now out of my hands and I had made that happen. I had made the phone calls and wrote the emails that led to people saying they would be happy to write me outstanding recommendations. Wow, go figure. People really do like me and notice the work that I do.

Letting go of fear isn't an easy thing to do. Letting go of the need to be in control isn't easy either. Yet, I'm slowly working on both of those. I'm letting go of the things I've surrounded myself with because I'm realizing that things don't matter. It's the people around you, it's the memories and the moments that matter. I started holding onto everything out of the fear that everyone had let go. It's a scary thing when you look back at your life and realize that almost every man in your life has turned and walked away as if you didn't matter. It's scarier to realize that you've filled a house full of items because items can't walk away.

My journey towards having the home I always dreamed of is starting now. I've purged over 400 pounds of items out of this house in the past year and I'm still going at it. I still have a lot of stuff to go through and a lot of stuff to find new homes for. I want the kind of home that my children can come into with their friends and nobody is tripping over anything. I don't want to tell my boys, "Not yet. Wait until we get the house cleaned up." It's going to be a long journey and sometimes I'm going to struggle, but I know I can do this and I know there are people who will hug me when I need a hug and push me when I need a push.